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He says he’s jealous of the moon, because you look at it. He’s jealous of the sun, because it warms you. He says, I feel you, even when I’m not feeling you. I talk to you when I’m not talking to you. I love you, even when I’m not loving you.”
Jeffery Wright as Jean-Michel Basquiat

Take heed! Gather around me all ye lames! I will now teach you how to properly begin relations with a fine young woman. Ladies I recommend that if you are wise you’ll do this same thing with some of your sistren…some of ya’ll need some help as well. Now bear in mind this is a basic guide, an outline if you will. I’m just giving you talking points, you have to make the speech.

First some rules from a movie I dug (The Tao of Steve). I had the main idea, but the writer summed it up with the loveliness. When you meet a woman this is what you need to do.

Philosophy

Eliminate your Desire: Women can smell the stench of your horniness a mile away. Tone that shit down. I have a theory. I call it: The Pretty Girl Theory - When you walk into a place and there’s a fine woman, dudes gather around like she was picking a basketball team. More than likely she’ll be more interested in the dude that’s sitting across the room not paying her any mind. Cool down.

Demonstrate your Greatness: I mean really why the hell should she want to get with you anyway. Your mother thinks your special, but she kind of has to. Get up off your ass and do something, let her witness it. Like killing a sabretooth tiger so she knows you can protect the cave…dig?

Retreat: You’ve done all you can do…don’t ruin it by chasing her down and calling her like you’re trying to get through to a radio station. Chill the hell out! If you did your thing she’ll come to you. That’s what you want. Consider it a gift: you want someone to give it to you, instead of trying to find a way to take it.

Practical Applications:

First Date: You want to make a showing, however, this is not demonstrate your tax bracket time. This is show your quality (Demonstrate your greatness) time. Take her out to eat, but not to the Cheesecake Factory or Red Lobster or someother place you could find near a mall. Go somewhere that’s low key, quality and hopefully addresses any dietary preferences she has. It should be a place that will make her wonder why she didn’t know about it. If she does know about it you’ll still get points…unless she had a bad experience. Then you’ll give her the chance to put you down with something. This date is about breaking the ice. After you eat go somewhere beautiful…somewhere with a view. This can be a place plenty people know about, but somewhere that will allow her to find out who you are with minimal distraction…if you’re in Baltimore this is somewhere like Federal Hill. If all goes well you may be out late, but try to get her home by 11:00…even if she invites you don’t go in. Leave some mystery until next time.

Second Date: Personally I keep (and update - places close y’know) a list of small mom and pop type restaurants with nice ambience, food, etc. So this time go to a place that could serve as more formal…I tend to avoid alot of formality on the first date for my benefit. Gives you an idea of her personality and if it all goes to hell you didn’t waste alot of money and get gussied up for nothing. More importantly people tend to send representatives on firsts. A relaxed atmosphere will bring out the real person more than a formal spot. Keep in mind you need to size up your date before you go casual. This time you can let it stretch out some more. Hopefully you made an impression and she wants to know some more about you. Throw in some kind of activity. This way you’ll have a chance to talk, but you can do something fun. It’ll let her know Jack isn’t a dull boy.

Third Date: This let’s you know you’re pretty much there. I tend to make this the most personal of all the dates. This is a good time (for those that can) to invite her over so you can cook a meal. If you can cook then you should do so in front of her. If you go somewhere make it a place that is nice and private. I have two such places myself. One is an arboretum and the other is a Water Reserve. These are both places that most people who live in the city have never seen. It’s tantamount to finding the garden of Eden in the middle of an Iraqi insurgency. Both are the type of places that despite how nice they are, there are never alot of people there and you can always find a private spot. Of course you have to have some back up in case the weather doesn’t permit you to be outside…or it’s the middle of winter. Don’t be scared to do something that seems elementary school…like go to the Aquarium or the Science Center. Where you go isn’t just a reflection on you. It’s a chance for you to find out about her and for her to drop her guard.

Some tips:
Eliminating your desire means that you don’t try for the kiss all early. I did this to perfection once; leaving a woman wondering if I would ever try to kiss her and when I did the floodgate opened…if you catch my drift. However, if you wait for the right amount of time you avoid any akwardness and increase her curiosity and desire…don’t wait too long though or it’s: THE FRIEND ZONE.

Do not give roses! Roses are played man. Alot of women still like them, it’s true, but I figure if I can get roses at 7 -11 then I need to find a new flower.

Eliminating your desire does not mean you cease all flirting. It’s like conning someone. I remember the speech from Ocean’s Eleven:
“You look down, they know you’re lying and up, they know you don’t know the truth. Don’t use seven words when four will do. Don’t shift your weight, look always at your mark but don’t stare, be specific but not memorable, be funny but don’t make him laugh. He’s got to like you then forget you the moment you’ve left his side.”
That’s what you’re flirting should be, nothing pressing. Say enough to make her smile before you move on. A pause she can follow up on if she chooses, but treat it like you’re on the radio…no dead air.

Pay attention! This whole process is not just to find a girlfriend or get some ass. You need to know if this woman is crazy. Listen to what she says and try to get a picture of who she is. You may find out you don’t want to see her…sleeping with a crazy woman is a mistake, make it at your own peril.

Balance yourself. If you have more than one side make sure you at least give glimpses of them. People usually don’t know each other…make sure she knows who you are.

Things I shouldn’t have to say…but will cause people do this:

Restrict your calling! Nothing is worse than a dude (or dame) that calls too much. If you call and leave a message then let her call you back. She either can’t call at the time or doesn’t want to talk to you. If she wants to talk she will call…let her.

Everytime you use a line Baby Jesus cries.

Do not bring up marriage, kids, or love (unless you’re giving an abstract definition or reciting the lyrics to “Love’s Gonna Get Cha” by BDP) within the first two weeks of interaction…at least. If she is ready to discuss marriage that soon she’s crazy and her clock may be ticking. If you discuss it then you will drive her away cause she thinks you’re crazy.

I know I covered this - Don’t start saying you think you are in love with her. For real…I’ll slap you.

Don’t do things you can’t keep up with. If you open every door and pull out every chair, be prepared to keep doing it for the duration of your interaction. Eliminate the Representative. You need to be you so you never have to hear how you changed.

Make your word your bond. If you say a time, be there. If you say you’ll call, do it. Represent what you say and don’t say what you can’t represent.

Do not go on and on about something you think is interesting that probably isn’t. Allow her to talk more. Ask question…and for God’s sake don’t ask stupid questions. Nobody wants to hear about how your boss hates you or how you fixed the copier when no one else could. Self deprecation works! It dissolves arrogance and allows you to talk about yourself without boring someone to tears.

So I’ve tried to help. Besides when you cat’s screw the pooch it makes dudes like me have to work harder down the line. Ladies I’d love to hear your thoughts.