Mitt Romney

“ Johnny always alters his given name and refers to himself in the third person — for example, “J-Dog don’t play that” or “J-Dog wants to know wusssaappp.” It comforts me to know that my parlance has such broad appeal.”

Black People Love Us

“Who let the dogs out“, for real?  Even older white people cringed at that one.  If nothing else came out of Romney’s…umm…total lack of knowledge of black culture, it is another chance to point out something obvious.  There aren’t special phrases you can just throw out to get you in with us, umkay pumpkin.  Well, that’s not true…we’d probably like to hear you say reparations, but you want to get elected and that won’t help.  I don’t blame you though.  You’re just another wealthy white american man, who probably has no idea about people outside of your circle.  You claim to understand America.  I’m sure, the America where we make up our minds on golf courses, not the one where we choose which bill to pay, which to pay late, and which to not pay at all.  I wonder if you’re from the America I see on the internet.  The one that won’t vote for Barack Obama cause, “You don’t want February to have 31 days”.  Or better yet the one that just doesn’t want to vote for “a woman or a colored”.  The same America that loves to play the Grand Theft Auto series…but not San Andreas…it’s all “gangsta”.  As much as I rationalize choices and scrutinize candidates, a part of me keeps saying, “Just cause he’s black”.  I was stopped in my tracks last weekend by a 12 year old.  I was running a Rites of Passage group and all the boys were giving the usual answer to what they’re thankful for.  “Family, my mother, etc.”  Til one kid broke the mold.  “I’m thankful for my family and Barack Obama.”  I remebered they were young so I didn’t blurt out, “Well God Damn!”.  I wanted to though.  Over the years I’ve had various debates with people about race issues and one thing I always say is:  “You won’t understand what it’s like to never have someone like you.”  I don’t care if it’s a video game, or a movie or what.  It reminds me of my mother recalling getting excited anytime a black person was on television.  It’s hard for people now to understand this, unless you’re in the minority.  I saw Jesse Jackson run for President, but I don’t remember there being a feeling like he could really make it.  It’s interesting when I think about Obama in the eyes of black children.  I’m sure people of Irish descent had this experience before they were replaced on the “people we don’t want in our neighborhood list”.  I wonder if people used to try to make friends with the Irish by saying, “Hey, I sure do like whiskey”.  I’m sure people meet Native Americans and mention the peace pipe…or maybe they talk about gambling now.  Anyway, while we stay looking for some symbols to represent us, keep in mind - you aren’t black. There is no symbol you can throw up to catch us all or show that some respected black figure has deemed you cool.

Here’s all the guidance I can give you:

  • Stay away from any songs…too hard to tell what’s still en vogue.
  • No hand symbols…if you throw up a westside sign you’ll lose the eastern states!
  • Do not ever dance…it’s just better for everyone.
  • Be as white as you wanna be…we tend to write off white people as something else anyway - better to be written off then scrutinized.
  • Invoke MLK and other non-controversial black folk…if we say anything bad other black folks write us off and support you.
  • Do like Stephen Colbert and get a black friend…and say you think he’s black cause he said so - because you don’t see race.
  • Do things associated with black people when none are around…having a lunch with black folks and ordering everyone fried chicken is a bad move.  Having fried chicken with your white friends…great - don’t forget to ask for hot sauce.
  • Say one of your favorite Quarterbacks of all time was Doug Williams…ohhhhh, bonus points!
  • Say Whitney Houstons was the best version of the National Anthem you ever heard.

I only suggest these things because it appears that you can’t just talk to us like any other group of voters.  We’re not really concerned about the economy, the war in Iraq or that other stuff.  We’re pretty much of big block of voters that you should just try to win by making us feel like you like us.  You should be all means avoid saying anything about social security and don’t make any efforts to bridge the gap between the rich and poor or Mormons and the black community.  Just an aside…so am I a descendant of Cain or no….does that not apply to light-skinned people?  Anyway…keep up the good work.

P.S.  Perhaps it was PETA activists who let the dogs out?  They do that kind of thing.